The waiting game

No baby yet...

His due date is May 19th, and we have not seen any signs of him wanting to come out. It feels like he just kind of wants to stay in there for as long as he possibly can. I want to take him home so badly... I want to be his mama so badly. I know I will have the rest of my life to be his mama- but this is something I have been wanting for the longest time. I can't quite put into words how my heart is feeling. explaining it, just isn't possible. To understand the way I feel you would have to be going through my exact same situation. In June Joey and I will have been married for 8 years, 8 solid years of trusting, loving and failing. We've been trying to have children for at least 5 of those years... Yet, even in all of what has gone on- God's timing is best. Joey and I have had all this time to truly know each other, love on each other and explore life without having to worry about babies... but OH goodness are we ready, we are prepared for the diaper changes and the feedings and the crying... we are prepared for it in our hearts. It's kind of silly when we hear people say to us "Oh just wait..." AHAHAHA, just wait?? you say- WE ARE READY bring it on! :-)

Joey is at home chomping at the bit to get in the car and blast his way down to Sacramento. His head and heart are just not in Washington, he tells me all he thinks about is our little one. He's "nested" for the both of us since I have been away from home. The house is ready, the bags are packed, the car seat is strapped in. the suspense is just killing us. each phone call I make to him there is always this small expectation in his voice- like maybe he's coming!!!! unfortunately no, not yet.

At my baby shower we announced his name, and I say "announced" but really we just gave out magnets at the end and kind of let people figure it out on there own. His name will be Parker Amos. We love the name Parker and God showed me the name Amos, which means "carried by God" and ever since that moment- THAT was his name.

I've been away from home for 3 weeks now... I am getting homesick... well to be honest I am getting "husbandsick" and "furbabysick". I miss my Joey! I miss Paco, and Choncho and Enzo and Nemo, and if I am going to be really honest I miss my bed and my pillows-- oooh and I miss my big fluffy blanket that Joey always covers me up with. It would be a little easier to "wait patiently" if I was in my own city, with my own car, and my own house with my own bed... telling me to get sleep while I can is kind of a joke. No one ever sleeps well when they are away from their own bed. It's just a fact. So no, I am no longer feeling very patient.

I have some pictures from the baby shower that I had a few weeks ago that I wanted to share with you all: Stephanie and Mari put on the entire thing and it was beautiful. I am so thankful. :-)

Sacramento week 1

Well, I am in California. Sacramento has been warm, breezy and very welcoming. I've been having a wonderful time spending a lot of my days with our biological mom. She has been doing well, but the last few weeks of her pregnancy are just so difficult. The back pain is horrendous and just the irritating part of having to use the restroom every half hour is not fun for her. Pray for her to be relieved of all the pain, and pray for her as she takes this selfless step of adopting baby Parks to Joey and I. We are so blessed to have her, and we pray that she feels that same way towards us. :-)

Tomorrow is the baby shower down here, and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to see all of my Sacramento friends and family in one place. Praying that it all goes well and everyone feels welcomed.

I can't believe in just a matter of days I will be called mama!! Whaaaat!? That's so awesome. This has been such a long journey, and I know that this is still just the start of it all. I'm so excited to share my life with this little one!!!

God is so good! I keep coming back to that. Last night I actually got the opportunity to "talk" to my son. We were hanging out and he began to move in her belly!! I could see every movement he was making! I told him how much I loved him, and I asked him what he was doing inside his little womb... I told him that he was a buddy, and that I can't wait for him to come out... I made sure to tell him what a weirdo I am... And that I just can't wait to hold him in my arms... I'm sure he heard all of it because he was moving so much as I spoke. I love that little life more than I can even express! Gosh he's already so amazing!! Lord THANK YOU!!

Praying he will come soon! (As long as he is ready!) and I am missing my husband like crazy. When I see him next- baby Parks will be here!! Eeeeeeek!!! :-)

Love,
KayC

"Baby moon"

Hi y'all!!

Joey and I went to Texas this past weekend to celebrate a family event- a wedding! Joey's cousin Michael tied the knot with his beautiful bride Lindsey. It was the most beautiful wedding I had ever been to.

We were gone for 4 days and 2 of them were full travel days, so our trip was short but sweet. It was amazing knowing that this was the last trip as just "Joey and KayC". Our lives as we know it from here in out will be completely and utterly different. My name would be changing to mama, and Joey's to daddy. And we are excitedly and happily looking forward to that change in the next few weeks.

It's one thing to desire something SO much that it causes your heart to just ache- but to actually experience it after wanting it to happen for so long is an entirely different matter... Like entirely.

On June 12 of this year Joey and I will have been married for 8 years. We've had 8 years of blossoming friendship, and romance. 8 years of extremely sad, trying and difficult times. 8 years of growing in our walks with The Lord. I'm so thankful for this time. It's not what I would have expected, it's actually so much more. I feel like I am able to appreciate and love my life more each day... Because things haven't been easy-peasy.

I remember like it was yesterday- Joey and I were waiting in the car after we had said our "I do's" literally we had just gotten married, and we were waiting to drive over to the reception. I couldn't help but think how different our life would be in 5 years... I just innocently assumed we would have at least one little one by then, and all would be just dandy. God had so much more planned than that... So much more. I am so happy I am the person that I am today. But I didn't make it here by having things easy, or having anything just given to me. The battle of depression has been a long and hard one- especially after we lost our first baby Parks. We had tried so hard to get pregnant... And finally it happened, and in the blink of an eye it was all over- Just sadness was left. That mixed with the fact that no one truly understood how great the loss was to both Joey and I, because of that I just wanted to be left alone with my sad thoughts, and my sad little world. We started feeling very lonely, and very isolated. Getting "over" a miscarriage is much more difficult than anyone could imagine. It's pretty much impossible. To this day I am not "over" our miscarriage. But i have been made new in Christ, I have his power in my life to get me up each morning and keep me excited about life and what HIS plan is for each day. Infertility is a sad, lonely, scary experience- and without God I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would continue to be a sad lonely scared girl.

But that's not me.

...and Joey isn't a sad, lonely guy...

Because God loves us, and wants a life full of purpose and love and learning. I'm so thankful that I know Jesus, that I know who I am as his daughter. I am so thankful for how loved I am, even after I make a million mistakes. I am free in Christ- not chained to the sadness that infertility has brought, not chained to the lies that infertility seems to drag along side it. No I am free in love, and in the thought that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I could have ever imagined.

In the last 3 years I have been through a lot, a LOT of sadness. From losing our baby, to dealing with insufferable depression, to gaining weight- and criticism because of it, to watching my mother die from a terrible cancer, to having surgery on both of my feet and still not being 100% healed, and finally to losing my beloved nannying job as I watched my "family" from the last 5 years move away across the state of Washington. But even though it feels like the world has been crumbling around me, I've been able to cling to Jesus (even if at times it was only by a thread) and walk through the rubble, sometimes being carried. My faith, my God has been my rock. And I am so thankful, so blessed for each trial. It has brought me closer to God and has made me appreciate the blessings that much more.

I just wanted to pour out my heart... It probably didn't come out making too much sense, but I hope that the gist you get from this blog entry is that Jesus truly loves us. Even when things are going downright terrible there is always hope, always love, and always freedom in Christ.

Isaiah 54 has been one of my "go to" chapters in the bible... I actually love it so much I have it tattooed along side the cutest owl ever on my leg.

Our baby is going to be here soon, and we could not be any more excited or thankful for where God has brought is on this journey. I have so much more to write about, and I will but that's all for now. We love you all and appreciate the love and support that you've given us! We are so blessed!!!

Love,

KayC

A little faith goes a long way.

They sent out the paperwork a few weeks ago to the birth father... No response as of yet, which is a HUGE blessing. We all feel that he will just ignore it, and that'll be the end of it. I will certainly keep the blog updated on any new info regarding that.

I just spent last week with Hunter and Forrest. It was amazing being with them. It was a constant reminder that baby parks will be here soon. I loved waking up in the middle of the night and listening to Forrest sleep through the baby monitor and hearing Hunter tell me about his favorite Legos- over and over. I have been blessed with an abundance of patience when it comes to children and I am so grateful. It just makes me enjoy them that much more. :-)

In FIVE weeks it will be baby Parks due date. FIVE little weeks. I literally catch myself day dreaming about it all the time. I've wanted to me a momma for the longest time... I can't believe that in five weeks that will actually be one of my names... A badge that I will carry proudly. I have been through so much hurt and pain in the last 3 years. Each mountain I've had the privilege of climbing I have come barreling down gaining cuts and bruises along the way. But I wouldn't take it back, or undo any of it. My life and my situation in life has brought me so much closer to Jesus. When there is no where else to turn, when you are absolutely at the bottom of your heart Jesus will fill it and hold you and heal you... I feel like I am an every day example of that. I am so thankful for all the trials and pain I've had to go through, and for the ones coming in the future too. My life has no meaning unless God is at the center.

When joey and I first sat down and saw that we had to raise 11,000.00 in three months for the adoption, we KNEW that we couldn't do it. We prayed and God had a plan. First things first was to send out "support letters". I remember waking up to God tugging at my heart, telling me I need to write a support letter. And I also remember thinking "no thank you... The last thing I ever want to do is ask my friends and family for money". Joey and I were working on getting our finances in order and we had ZERO dollars in our savings account... How could we even think about adopting? God had a plan from the very start. Humbly Joey and I wrote out the letter. I addressed and stamped each one... I remember praying over them and then sending them all out. It seemed unrealistic to think in three months that anyone could come up with 11 grand. Then the donations started coming in. People pledging to pray for us, people giving, and giving. I was in shock the first month. I don't know why I was so shocked... I mean from the start this whole thing was God's plan. "Come ON KayC, where's your faith!!"- right!? By the two month mark we had raised $10,000.00 by way of donations and God giving Joey and I both extra work. Joey being able to work overtime was all in Gods perfect timing. Adding about $2,000.00 each month to our fund.

Here we are in our 3rd month and we need to raise about $1,300.00. That's all. AND this week we have already received $300.00 more in support! HOW INCREDIBLE!!!! Each dollar that is raised is a testament to God. To his faithfulness, to the fact that baby Parks's life has a plan- and a big one. What a blessing. What an unbelievable story of provision. We are so thankful for all the donations, all the help that has been given... We are so thankful for each prayer prayed as we prepare for our son. We are SO incredibly thankful for God's plan in our lives.

So yeah, we had to ask for help... A lot of help. It humbled us... It wasn't easy. I sit here writing this and I am so blessed to say that I would do it all again, following God's plan is so much better than following my own. I know I have a lot to learn as a new momma, and as a daughter of Christ... I know that things won't be easy, and I also know that sometimes being a parent "stinks". I'm so thankful though, thankful as to where my heart is, what I've learned and how much I know I will appreciate being a momma. Oh GOODNESS!!!!!!

5 weeks!!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeek!!!!!!

I am excitedly signing off!

Love,
KayC

Asking for God's favor

SO much stressed has been relieved... Then as soon as possible I got sick with an INSANE stomach flu. So, that is why I am updating this a few days later than I anticipated. I was down for the count... but I am getting back "up" and revisiting the beauty of what God did for our homestudy.

Our homestudy was April 5th at 10am... our house was not perfect but it was prepared. WE were prepared. Finally this huge hurdle in our minds was going to be here, someone would come into our home and judge if we were fit to be parents. In our minds it was this HUGE dramatic, personal overtaking but in reality she just came in and talked with us, saw our hearts and how ready we were to be parents. She looked through our home, (not with the white glove that I was half expecting) and she was just so genuinely excited for us! It was amazing hearing her talk about previous clients... people who showed her drugs they were growing, people who were only one half wanted to be parents, people who had absolutely NO business in becoming parents... As she spoke about it I was shocked and immediately felt relieved... Our hearts were and are in the right place, we aren't perfect but we want to love on this little man who is about to enter our lives... and I believe because of God she saw that. After we answered the last questions she had asked about our families, she packed up her things and excitedly said "You two do not have to worry about a thing, you have absolutely passed your home study" We were SO excited and as she exited our front door she said "Now, after I leave I want you to countdown from 3 and celebrate! You are at least halfway there! I wanna hear screams of JOY!" She closed the door and Joey and I closed our eyes...

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! God has provided, YET again! We immediately went to lunch at applebees and had a wonderful little celebration... we were one more step closer, one more HUGE step closer to holding baby parks in our arms, one HUGE step closer to being delirious, sleep and shower deprived human beings. We honestly couldn't have been more excited. THEN the birth mother had called me, she had just sat down and signed all the adoption paperwork with a social worker down in Sacramento. It was all signed, there is a whole other step that got us closer to being parents. WHAT!!!!!???


OH MY GAWSH!

I sure hope you can feel my excitement because I am just BEAMING with excitement even just writing this all down. My favorite part was later when Joey turned to me and said something like: "You know, I don't know why I am so surprised that it all went so well, I asked God for favor during the homestudy, and he gave it. I shouldn't be so surprised at God's goodness."

And that friends and family is the whole meaning, the whole point of becoming parents. Asking God what we should do and how we should do it. and having faith that his plan is always better than one that we can come up with. So, we have done the final tally and still need to come up with 1300.00 for the rest of the adoption. Pray for us. We know God will provide through more work for both Joey and I, and through any donations that may still come in. God knows how he's going to do it. :-) I have no fear in that.


These are a few photos of our "Pre-homestudy preparedness" Stuffs:

I went to the library and checked out a TON of books on babies and breast feeding. this one so far has been very helpful. none of them are all that helpful though for an adoptive momma who really wants to bond with baby through breast feeding. I've been using my pump and it's a LOT more difficult than I ever imagined. Another thing to pray about. I have so much respect for breastfeeding mothers... they're amazing.

His little closet...

We received this little pack and play bassinet as a gift already from a family member. It's so fun having it set up in our room. I'm going to be taking it with me to Sacramento for when he comes but I can't bring myself to take it down quite yet.

Everyone meet Wendell and Bunny foo foo. Soon to be very good friends of baby Parks :-) Both of these little animals have special places from where they came from. I sure hope he loves them.

more books.

Found this baby for 13 bucks! Couldn't pass up the owls...

This was Hunter's and his little brother Forrest' and was passed down to us. It's a good one... I can't wait for him to play with it. It's SO fun having all this baby stuff in our living room, it's like a physical reminder that he's actually coming!

Thank you for your prayers, your love, and excitement for us. We are so blessed and DEEPLY appreciate each of you for everything you have done. 

Love, 

KayC and Joey