Joey and I went to Texas this past weekend to celebrate a family event- a wedding! Joey's cousin Michael tied the knot with his beautiful bride Lindsey. It was the most beautiful wedding I had ever been to.
We were gone for 4 days and 2 of them were full travel days, so our trip was short but sweet. It was amazing knowing that this was the last trip as just "Joey and KayC". Our lives as we know it from here in out will be completely and utterly different. My name would be changing to mama, and Joey's to daddy. And we are excitedly and happily looking forward to that change in the next few weeks.
It's one thing to desire something SO much that it causes your heart to just ache- but to actually experience it after wanting it to happen for so long is an entirely different matter... Like entirely.
On June 12 of this year Joey and I will have been married for 8 years. We've had 8 years of blossoming friendship, and romance. 8 years of extremely sad, trying and difficult times. 8 years of growing in our walks with The Lord. I'm so thankful for this time. It's not what I would have expected, it's actually so much more. I feel like I am able to appreciate and love my life more each day... Because things haven't been easy-peasy.
I remember like it was yesterday- Joey and I were waiting in the car after we had said our "I do's" literally we had just gotten married, and we were waiting to drive over to the reception. I couldn't help but think how different our life would be in 5 years... I just innocently assumed we would have at least one little one by then, and all would be just dandy. God had so much more planned than that... So much more. I am so happy I am the person that I am today. But I didn't make it here by having things easy, or having anything just given to me. The battle of depression has been a long and hard one- especially after we lost our first baby Parks. We had tried so hard to get pregnant... And finally it happened, and in the blink of an eye it was all over- Just sadness was left. That mixed with the fact that no one truly understood how great the loss was to both Joey and I, because of that I just wanted to be left alone with my sad thoughts, and my sad little world. We started feeling very lonely, and very isolated. Getting "over" a miscarriage is much more difficult than anyone could imagine. It's pretty much impossible. To this day I am not "over" our miscarriage. But i have been made new in Christ, I have his power in my life to get me up each morning and keep me excited about life and what HIS plan is for each day. Infertility is a sad, lonely, scary experience- and without God I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would continue to be a sad lonely scared girl.
But that's not me.
...and Joey isn't a sad, lonely guy...
Because God loves us, and wants a life full of purpose and love and learning. I'm so thankful that I know Jesus, that I know who I am as his daughter. I am so thankful for how loved I am, even after I make a million mistakes. I am free in Christ- not chained to the sadness that infertility has brought, not chained to the lies that infertility seems to drag along side it. No I am free in love, and in the thought that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I could have ever imagined.
In the last 3 years I have been through a lot, a LOT of sadness. From losing our baby, to dealing with insufferable depression, to gaining weight- and criticism because of it, to watching my mother die from a terrible cancer, to having surgery on both of my feet and still not being 100% healed, and finally to losing my beloved nannying job as I watched my "family" from the last 5 years move away across the state of Washington. But even though it feels like the world has been crumbling around me, I've been able to cling to Jesus (even if at times it was only by a thread) and walk through the rubble, sometimes being carried. My faith, my God has been my rock. And I am so thankful, so blessed for each trial. It has brought me closer to God and has made me appreciate the blessings that much more.
I just wanted to pour out my heart... It probably didn't come out making too much sense, but I hope that the gist you get from this blog entry is that Jesus truly loves us. Even when things are going downright terrible there is always hope, always love, and always freedom in Christ.
Isaiah 54 has been one of my "go to" chapters in the bible... I actually love it so much I have it tattooed along side the cutest owl ever on my leg.
Our baby is going to be here soon, and we could not be any more excited or thankful for where God has brought is on this journey. I have so much more to write about, and I will but that's all for now. We love you all and appreciate the love and support that you've given us! We are so blessed!!!
Love,
KayC
KayC....what a beautiful story to be told. I have been there where you have been...I suffered a miscarriage before my beautiful Chelsea was born and then suffered 4 afterwards...It is something that you truly never get over and during the time, you want to so bad just to lose it and not care anymore. I thought long and hard why me, why us, why is GOD doing this to me...but deep down somewhere I knew that it was a plan that he set for me. I was grateful for my family and friends but at the same time I thought they were there for support but had no clue what I was dealing with as they had never had the experience. After the last miscarriage, I was like that is it...no more...gave all Chelsea's baby things away finally thinking I will never get pregnant again and that is just the plans set up for me and my life. Then not a year later I was pregnant. I went through the first 5 months in denial thinking this is again going to result in a miscarriage so at 8 months my doctor said do you have the baby's stuff ready...I was like NO because I really thought this was not going to happen. But it did and Megan was born.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to tell you, never give up, never think that you are in this alone....I so wish I would have known you and Joey back then....I could be there just helping you even if it was to listen to you and understand completely what was happening.
You my friend are going to be a great mother I know that in my heart. Joey is going to be an awesome dad and finally your both going to be loving supporting parents to this amazing baby boy that is coming into your lives. If you ever need anything, please do not hesitate to call on me.....:)
Take care!!!
Cant wait to see pictures of the newest PARKS family!!
Love you guys
Sheila